The things I wanted to say
by Bookworm0485
Summary: Calleigh's reaction to Speed's death and her feelings for him. Although it contains slight hints of CalleighSpeed it will end in CalleighHoratio


The Things I Wanted to Say

Disclaimer: No I didn't suddenly inherit the show. It still belongs to those folks at CBS. I'm just playing with'em, I promise I'll give them back.

AN: There could be some spoilers from "Lost Son". I just watched the rerun for the ep tonight and got the idea for my story.

Calleigh POV

It should have been like any other day on the job. But it wasn't.

It should have been like any other interview. But it wasn't.

Some people say "shit happens", shrug it off and go on with their lives. But I can't do that. I'm not some people.

I should have told him the moment I realized it. But I didn't. I should have told him the moment I realized this feeling wasn't just going to go away. And still I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't. Maybe it was because I was scared. Maybe it was because he didn't love me back. I don't know, but in all honesty I think it was because I've never felt this way before and I didn't want to get hurt again.

I've only had one "serious" relationship and it didn't end well (He was just using me to get back at his girlfriend). It took me a year just to stop wanting to kick every man in the balls just because they looked remotely like him. Anyways, the first time I met Tim (everyone else calls-called him Speed) he was in the break room with Eric and he made a comment "about that time of the month". I won't go into details about what I said but trust me it wasn't nice. After he regained the power to speak he apologized and we began to talk (about guns of all things).

Since that day we have always been able to confide in each other and that made us pretty good friends. Though I didn't mind talking to Alex, I usually went to Tim when I needed to talk or blow off steam. Three days before he died he told me that he wanted to talk to me about something, I never figured out what. We never had that talk and today I regret not telling him the truth about my feelings. See when ever we talked I would tell him about "this guy" I liked. He never asked for a name and I didn't really mind that (it wasn't as if I was going to tell him it was him). I had finally told him that I loved "that guy" a week before he died and I still can't help but wonder what he wanted to talk about.

There is one more thing I wish I'd been able to tell him. He's going to be a daddy in seven months. Now, I know you're thinking:"How is that possible? You two weren't dating." Well the answer is simple; it happened one night after we got very drunk during one of our talks. While I may regret what happened that night, I don't regret getting pregnant.

Only Alex and now Catherine (Willows from the Vegas CSI Lab) know about the baby; both for two different reasons. Alex knows because she gave me the test after I kept throwing up whenever I was in the morgue or around bodies (I'm not normally squeamish) and Catherine knows because she's the only person I know who has a kid.(AN: I don't if this ep happened before or after Catherine and Warrick went down to Miami for a case, so I'm setting this story after:) The bad thing about this is our child is only going to know Tim through stories and pictures.

If I could go back to that last talk we had I would tell him that he's the guy I was talking about. I would finally tell him I love you and in the same breath I would have said Tim you're going to be a daddy.

These are the things I wanted to say the day I heard he died.

These are the things that thanks to Alex I got to tell him after the autopsy.

And these are the things I'm glad said the night I called his mom; three days after his funeral.

Epilogue: 2 and ½ years later

As I sit here with my two month old sleeping daughter I can't help but look at the path my life has taken since Tim died. My 3 yr old son Josh Speedle Caine (when he's older we're going to tell him about his father and give him the option of choosing his middle and last name) and my husband of a year are "camping" in the back yard and I can't imagine life without them. Horatio has been there for me since I told him I pregnant two months after Tim's death. He was there when Josh was born and he was there when I had a nervous breakdown the after we caught Tim's killer. We started dating on the anniversary of the shooting and that's when I realized that not only had I begun to move on I was already falling in love with him. We got married a year after we started dating and I had our daughter Alyssa Marie Caine a year after that. I never imagined that I would have fallen in love again after Tim's death and I definitely never imagined I'd be happily married with a daughter. But I'm happy and I wouldn't change anything for the world. Well everything except Tim's death. I wish my son could know his real father in person instead of in memories, stories and pictures. I know he'll meet him someday though. For now he'll know his father loves him and is watching over him all the time. It's the least I can do.

AN2: Thanks for reading my story. Some parts of my story may not make sense to you but this is my story and this is how I chose to write it. Live with it or write your own. I call it author's prerogative. Don't forget to review. Books


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